generator god

I once read a story about an earthquake. Actually, it was about a family who experience an earthquake. Like something out of Biblical times, the author described the rolling and convulsing of the earth. Finally, once the chaotic motion stopped and things steadied the author and his family quickly went back to their cabin. Though the tremor had caused a power outage in the area, they fortunately had a generator and were able to get in contact with friends and family and make due until repairs were made and they could return to normality.

Outdoor recreation. Emergencies. Extra energy standbys. Generators are for the “just in case” and “no other power source available” situations. When you use one its because something went wrong or there’s not really another options. When a citywide blackout occurs all the neighbors flock to the house that wisely bought one “just in case”. Before embarking on a camping trip the less organic adventurers will bring a generator along to do anything from make grilling less rustic or charge their cell phones. They’re used only when needed and until just the right situation arises the power producing contraption lays dormant, waiting for a signal (or for someone to hit the “ON” switch).

Sometimes my God is my generator.

My life is full of relationships, adventure, and things that preoccupy my time and thoughts more than I probably even realize. Laughter truly is great medicine and lifts my spirits even when they are soaring steadily on their own. Relationships bring peace and comfort when circumstances give only disheartening disharmony. During times of tranquility the people in life add edge and breathe joy into my soul. Interests, passions, and the bittersweet responsibility often drive me forward and are the bricks that I use to form and create this undefined thing, called life.

But.

When my soul hits a point of desperation. When my sources of comfort are gone and things aren't familiar and don’t make sense. When everything turns from bright and shiny to dark and twisty. In tragedy. In despair. In failure. In need.

That’s when I flip the switch of my Generator.

It’s in those times that God becomes my strength, my source. It is then that the Bible becomes a “lamp unto my feet”. When my normal sources of power run out I turn to my trusty ol’ God generator to make everything better until the dusts settles and I can return to normality.

The reality of this makes me want to change. The reality of this humbles me with the realization that I have both been missing out on what it means for God to be my source and what it means for other things to not be. Maybe accepting and living in this reality would allow me to experience a relationship bigger than a power source in addition to being able to drink deeper and enjoy the things I once thought I needed.

You are my strength, I sing praise to you;

you, God, are my fortress,

my God on whom I can rely.

ps 59:17

Sudden and New

“What is this feeling? So sudden and new?”

These questions sung by the character Glenda in the must-see musical “Wicked” are ones that I find myself pondering lately

. The infamous “they” said that the college years would go by fast and encouraged the undefined “us” to savor it, but never really offered any advice for what to do when you find yourself at the end. So, here I am at the end surprise, excited, and trying to learn all the answers before I’m forced out of this place.

Freshman year began with many promises. “You’ll find your best friends.” “It’ll be some of the most fun you’ll ever have” “You won’t want to leave.” As I look back over these last three and a half years and remember these promises, I do not feel disappointed or cheated at all. In fact, I banked. I have not just made friends, but incredible relationships with wonderful women who know way too much about me and love me more than I deserve. ‘Fun’ only scratches the surface in describing beautiful moments of laughter so rich you don’t think you’ll survive paired with other irreplaceable pieces that make up the memories I treasure. However, I do think I’ll want to leave when the time comes. This mindset does not grow from the same place the I’m-so-over-this high school attitude did though. Instead, it rises from a place that knows it’s time and that I’m ready. Or at least will be.

So, what is this feeling? I don’t know. There’s yet to be a box discovered that fits it. I know that future holds failures, triumphs, and things I would have never expected, but that’s all I really have figured out so far. This uncertainty causes me

to press into my God ever the more as I walk the path that leads to

somewhere while pursuing, shaping, and cultivating these odd little things called dreams.

I think I understand why “they” never gave up the answers of what to do when you reach the end. If they did, we wouldn’t be able to come to the conclusion all by ourselves that we’re ready, prepared, and want to meet the illusive “real world”

To those who will face the end of the collegiate era with me: With anxiety in our hearts and motivation propelling us forward we begin something not sudden, but definitely new. I think we’re ready.

To those who are still drinking deeply life as students and residents of Aggieland: It’ll go by fast, savor it.

piles.

There’s a house near mine that has definitely intrigued all who passed it. This is not because of the outstanding architecture or even that it’s painted a color that sets it apart from the rest. What makes this house stand out is what’s in front of it, all around, and probably inside it (Although I admit that I’ve never dared to enter…): junk. Piles and piles of old and odd things are scattered throughout the yard. What a mess.

While passing it the other day a question rose up in me. A question that was birth by something inside that was not part of my innate being. I struggled for a second, wondering if I should let this one rise to the top and penetrate my soul and mind. Forces beyond my control didn’t let me ponder very long before it was out.

“Does my soul look like that house?”

If your were to take a magic school bus ride deep into my inner being, beyond what I would want you too see and into deep places, what would you find? Piles of unforgiven transgressions? Things I refuse to forgive myself for? Lies I am still believing? Desires unquenched? Thoughts and feelings unspoken? Bitterness? Hurts? Dreams?

But what happens if…

What happens if I let the Holy Spirit change things? With complete assurance in my salvation I can confidently say that He lives in my soul, despite the mess. I don’t know how much I’ve really let Him change, though. But what if I did? What if I let Him touch those piles? What if I let Him clean and move and even remove that which for some reason I have hoarded so preciously? What if instead of merely asking Him to reside in my soul, I let Jesus remodel it?

So, He scrubs the lies until they beam only with truth. He throws away the grudges that stack the wall. No shame comes, like I feared, when he comes to my desires and dreams. Instead He treasures them like the perfect Father. Once purified and shaped a bit they begin to fit better into my ever-changing soul. He searches through the dark places and bring light to them. And never once does He shame me for what I’ve kept so deep. He loves me still and keeps working so that I have more room to love Him.

So, my dear neighbor whom I have not had the chance to meet, let’s do this. Let’s begin the cleaning process. I know you think everything you have is necessary. It feels better to have it all, to have control, to have protection. But trust me-this will be worth it. It’ll hurt and it’ll be hard. But it’s what is best.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

2 Cor 4:16, 17

thanks twitter.

I follow C.S. Lewis on twitter. (Yep, he's not just an author/storyteller/theologian. Now he's a social networker) He recently "tweeted" this:

"God loves us not because we're lovable, because He is love. Not because He needs to receive, because He delights to give" -C.S. Lewis

What a refreshing thing to read. His love for me has nothing to do with me, but instead it's an overflow of who He is. May I constantly be reminded that I can do nothing to earn His affection. It is freely given. Let this be etched on my heart, so that I will cease striving to be found acceptable and significant. And instead freely worship Him who loves me.

"In this the love of God was made manifest (displayed) where we are concerned: in that God sent His Son, the only begotten or unique [Son], into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation (the atoning sacrifice) for our sins." I John 4:9,10 (Amplified Bible)

(Disclaimer: I understand that C.S. Lewis passed away in the 1960s, so obviously he is not personally "tweeting". But I am very thankful for whoever it is that decided to use twitter to share quotes from his various books and writings. :))

love.

So I was organizing my documents on my computer when I found this. It's a little wordy, but I thought it might be worth a post...

One day I was watching a television show, which I would be embarrassed to even admit I was once a devoted fan. The plot line was pretty basic. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl, but a season or two of drama gets in the way. Boy and girl finally get together. Life is good. Then to boost ratings the characters are shot four years ahead into their future. Boy and girl are no longer are together. In fact, boy is engaged to another girl. Girl, unaware of the engagement, has come back to town to rekindle their relationship. Boy has no interest. Oh no.

The season continues and boy’s fiancé breaks up with him due to her belief that he still has feelings for girl. Boy gets drunk at a bar. Girl “rescues” him and takes him home safely. Boy responds to girl’s kindness with “I hate you. You have ruined my life.” His words drip with drunken bitterness and stab girl right where she is weakest. Credits. The audience is forced to wait for a whole week to see what girl will do. Girl, who has always been a great artist, responds with the obvious: art. She goes to their meeting spot, a place that has more memories than one can tivo, and paints on the cement. One is forced to wonder what girl is writing. Is it vengeful words or drawings that would wound the boy like he hurt her? No. It’s not dripping with hate, but with love. It’s a love song, which repeats the words “I will always love you” over and over. I was brought almost to tears-and I don’t cry.
The tears were not brought because of some nostalgia of my own love life or ever merely from some girlish sentiment. I saw instead a reflection of the love my heavenly father has for me.

In my life I have done many things. Some have been good and beneficial. Others have been hurtful and mean. I have done stupid things. Ones that I deter my mind from thinking about in order to keep from being overwhelming embarrassed. I am far from being blameless. As much as I say I love Christ and desire to abide in Him, I find myself in a war of the flesh. Don’t think about that…don’t do that…don’t say that! Sometimes I get so frustrated that I wish it were over. Not in a total suicidal way, but in a heaven sounds sweeter than the battles of life way. There are times when my love for the Lord is so sweet. My heart cries out for nothing more than His praises and for His glory to be shown. Other times I become wrapped up in myself. Its so about what I want and what I desire that my soul is not overflowing, but instead it becomes a black tunnel of selfish needs and desires.

The remarkable thing to me is God’s response to my inconsistencies is constant. Whether my actions are good or bad, He loves me and forgives me. In strength and sincerity my Father response with a love song of “I will always love you”. More over, in order for me to fully hear it and completely experience the joy that comes with having it be the soundtrack of my life He sent His precious son to die for me-and for that I am eternally grateful.

humbled

I know, I know. There were only a few rules I had to obey and I broke them. I apologize to all my loyal readers. Although I cannot promise perfection, I do promise that I will strive for more consistency. :)

Last weekend, I drove home saturday morning to spend time with my parents. As I get older, my appreciation for my parents grows deeper and deeper. My home has truly become a place of refreshment. In addition to this new appreciation I have learned a little bit more about how God likes to teach me things. Quite often, He tends to open my eyes to see little things that on the surface mean nothing, but hold a very deep lesson that I really need to learn. This weekend was no exception.

I was talking with my parents as they cleaned up the house for their church home team, which was meeting the next night at our house. My dad was vacuuming, which was quite weird since we have hardwood floors but I just chose to accept and move on. My dog was in the room and was obviously frightened by the very noisy machine that to her was trying to take over the house. Her fear was not really anything new. She was my mom's way of dealing with her new empty nester status and was treated very much like a child; therefore, her coping skills were never fully developed. The oddity was that instead of running and hiding under my parents bed or in her crate she tried to get as close to my dad as possible. This didn't really make sense because my dad was the one running the thing she viewed as frightening. But to her it was better to be closer to my dad, her master and near the origin of her fear then to be away from him and ignoring it all.

What a convicting observation...

In the mist of trials and tribulations, whether caused by my own sin or merely the circumstances around me, my normal reaction is to run. I seek out somewhere to hide or something to help me ignore that which is causing me discomfort. The lesson that my dog new better then I was that being with your master, who is in complete control of whatever is going on, is better even if it means you have to face what scares you most. For me that is difficult to swallow. Because truly seeking after Him in those times means possibly having to deal with things that I don't want to deal with or facing things that I would much rather ignore. It also means killing my pride and admitting that I need something-someone, bigger then my own strength and who is completely outside of my control.

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." matthew 11

He offers rest. But we have to come to him first. And sometimes that's the hardest part.